Karate Chop
by bombtrack
Summary: FUTURE FIC! Puck wants to name his first son "Karate Chop" and Tina is not having it. This was done as a special favor for one reviewer who also enjoys shipping the non-canon couples like me. T for safety but it's really not that bad
1. Chapter 1

It was a regular Thursday night at the Puckerman household. Tina was lying down on the couch watching TV while Puck sat in his favorite chair (the type of chair that solidified his position as the man of the house even though Tina's parents bought the house for them.) Puck had just said something incredibly stupid and insensitive and Tina was trying desperately to figure out what was going on in that strange little brain of his.

"Hold on Noah, run this brilliant logic by me again one more time," Tina glared at her husband over her gargantuan pregnant belly.

Puck shrugged his shoulders and sat up in his chair to speak again. Tina had warned him that he should sit up straight before he talked to give a more authoritative tone. Even though Puck hated the idea of other people having authority over him, he loved having it himself.

"I'm just saying babe, between your Asian genes and my natural bad assness, we should totally name our baby boy Karate Chop. Plus, you always complain about how our little ninja always kicks and punches you."

"Oh my God you're serious. You are seriously an idiot aren't you? My baby is going to be born half an idiot."

"Jesus T you're starting to sound like my mother. And what's wrong with the name I came up with."

Tina tilted her head to the side like she just heard a dog talk.

"Well first of all, it's just really freaking stupid. I would feel so ashamed, and this kid would need years of expensive therapy, if people were laughing at his name for his entire life. Secondly, it's really racist, and it sounds like something the soldiers called the Vietnamese in Saigon. "

"OK, first of all, if anyone makes fun of my kid I will make them regret the day they were born. Then after my little guy gets a little bit older, his natural Puckster genetics will take over and he will be able to hand out the beat downs on his own. And…I wanted the kid to have a strong connection to both his Jewish and Asian roots. My mom is going to take that kid to Hebrew school whether we like it or not, but I just wanted him to know that both of his cultures are important. "

Tina didn't know whether she should cry at his sensitivity or laugh at his stupidity (Damn those pregnancy hormones Quinn warned her about. One minute she would want to jump Puck's bones and then a minute later she would want to strangle him.)…she chooses the later.

"And you thought Karate Chop would connect him to his Asian roots?"

"Yeah," Puck sounded a little offended by her tone.

"Well that's already taken care of Mr. Puckerman. He is getting his middle name from my grandfather."

"Which is?"

"Wang," Tina said with a straight face.

Puck nearly fell out of his chair laughing. He even muted the TV; this explanation was going to be way more entertaining than anything on primetime.

"Hold on, you think naming our kid after a penis is going to be less traumatic than naming him something awesome like Karate Chop?"

"I know how it sounds, that's why it is going to be his middle name."

"I hope we don't have to sign his full middle name on any school slips, I don't think I'll be able to write "Wang" without laughing."

"I hate you, and if this pillow wasn't making my sore feet feel so good I would throw it at you."

"Yeah I'm not making any more feet comments, I learned my lesson from last time," Puck said as he massaged a fork shaped bruise on his forearm.

"That's a good boy. You know…you could always give me a foot massage," Tina said with pleading eyes.

Puck looked at her but said nothing. He just turned the volume back up, way up, to drown out Tina's insults.

"Noooooaaaah," she complained. "Be nice to me, I'm your wife and the mother of your unborn child. I'm giving birth to your first son, isn't that important to testosterone junkies like you?"

Puck turned off the TV, got out of his chair, and knelt down on one knee to look Tina in the eye.

"It means the world to me Tina," he said as he massaged her belly. "But I aint rubbing your feet. I'll set up the little whirlpool thingy and you can plop them in there, deal?"

"Deal," she said before kissing his cheek. When Puck got up to get the whirlpool, Tina talked in a quiet whisper so only the baby could hear.

"Don't tell your father this, but for the last month while you're still in there I'm going to call you Karate Chop."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: You asked, and you shall receive.

"Noah, you need to have a talk with your son now!"

Puck took a deep breath; he just knew this was no good considering how he hadn't even finishing taking his shoes off before his wife was screaming at him.

"I don't care how much he messes up T, you can't disown David every time he does something stupid."

"What? I'm not going to disown him. Why would you say something so dumb?"

"Because you just called him my son like you had no part in it, and he sure as hell didn't come out of my belly" Puck said chuckling as he put away his jacket.

"First of all, he didn't come out of my bellow, he came out of my vag-"

"Jesus T! Watch your freaking language."

For a guy who likes to swear a lot, Puck hated words describing the female anatomy. This was Tina's most potent weapon in her "getting Puck to shut up" arsenal, and she used it only when she really needed him to listen.

"And when he does something bad I assume it comes from the genes he got from you, hence I call him "your son" when he does something bad." Tina reasoned.

"What did he do this time" Puck said rubbing his hands over his shaved head. (It is highly inappropriate for a father to have a mow hawk according to Tina's parents, Tina, his sister, and his mom, it's like they were trying to drain him of all his coolness, not like that would ever work though.)

"He beat up another kid at school today." Tina sighed with exhaustion. She was pregnant again and was praying for God to send her a girl so she won't have to spend the next 18 years breaking up fights. Plus, being outnumbered by Puckerman boys 3-1 is a fate no woman should endure.

"So?" Puck shrugged nonchalantly.

"It wasn't justifiable homicide this time; he beat up that Charles kid. The really _effeminate_ Charles who likes playing dolls with the girls. Your son broke his Barbie and shoved him to the ground."

"Oh geez…I guess I better get on that."

"That would be nice." Tina said as she gave Puck an intimate hug. She was very appreciative of the few instances where Puck would act like a real parent instead of like another kid. Once he headed up the stairs, she tried to communicate with the fetus inside her telepathically, "Please be a girl" she thought. "Please be a girl."

Puck took a moment to collect his thoughts before he entered his son's room. "What a sight this must be" he thought to himself. Puck, the kid who made life a living hell for the weak was now Noah, the responsible father trying to keep his son from following his footsteps.

"Hey David, we have to talk buddy."

"Sure Dad, what team do you want, Cleveland or Cinncinati?"

Usually when Puck was sent up stairs to punish his son, they would just play an all-Ohio madden game on mute for half an hour. Puck would leave the room with a sad "it hurt me more than it hurt him face" to convince Tina that he actually did something and David would wait at least a month before getting into trouble again. It was a perfect system. If Tina knew about it; she wasn't saying anything, which worked just fine for the Puckerman boys. But this was different…

"We can't play madden this time buddy, you screwed up big time."

David let out a frustrated grunt as he turned off the TV.

"I didn't even do anything wrong." David said as he flopped back on his bed dramatically.

"Your mom tells me you beat up that Charles kid even though he didn't do anything to you first. You know that's not how we do things."

"I know, I know, I'm not supposed to beat up people for no reason, but the Charles kid is just so weird. He acts like a girl, he would rather play dolls than play football with the boys, and he's just strange."

"That doesn't mean you get to beat him up just because he's different. Your eyes are a little smaller than the other kid's; does that mean they should beat you up?"

The little Puckerman had to ponder this for a moment.

"Well…not that they could, but it's different. He chooses to act that way, I can't control my eyes."

Puck had to fight back the smile he was feeling at his son's "not that they could line," he really was his son.

"I don't think he can control it David. And why should he? If playing with dolls makes him happy than let him play with dolls. He doesn't make fun of you for playing football does he?"

"No" David replied.

"Then if he respects you enough to let you have your fun, you should treat him the same way."

"But the other kids all cheered me on as I did it. What happens if I don't push him next time and they don't think I'm cool anymore? What if they start making fun of me instead?"

Damn, being a first grader was a lot more complicated than Puck remembered. Then again, he and Finn were always the top dogs so it never entered his mind that the other boys would ever turn on him.

"If the other kids start picking on you, then you can fight again. But only if they mess with you first. And just to be safe, you let them get the first punch and then you go to town on their butt. Mom can't get mad if it's self defense."

"Ok." David responded, a little glint in his eye at the thought of being able to beat people up without getting in trouble for it.

Puck thinks he might have to stop letting the boy watch UFC matches with him, or at least let him get in the ring against other kids so he can have some competition.

Puck headed downstairs to gloat in front of Tina about how he fixed their son.

"So who won, the Bengals or the Browns," Tina said flippantly as she stirred the spaghetti.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, I spent the whole time telling David that he has no right to beat kids up for just being themselves. " Puck said triumphantly.

"So you told him to do the exact opposite of what you did throughout your school career?" Tina smirked.

"I didn't have a father to guide me Tina, if my old man had stuck around and set me straight I probably would have never gone to Juvie. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my younger self ya know?"

"Please, the young Puck would have ignored everything you said and then probably would have kicked your ass for wasting his time." Tina responded.

"Please, I could kick the snot out of the young me any time." Puck said in an offended tone. No one can kick his ass, not even himself.

"Whatever you say Papa." Tina sighed as she kissed his cheek. "David! Dinner!" Tina yelled upstairs.

Watching his son rush down the stairs and hug Tina, Puck wondered how he ever got so lucky to have such a great family.


	3. Chapter 3

"I hate you." Tina pouted as she sat in the passenger's seat of the car.

"But I didn't do anything." (He really didn't this time) "You practically begged me to knock you up again and you are so what's the deal?" Puck said as he fastened his seat belt to drive away from their sonogram appointment.

"I wanted a girl, a nice, quiet, feminine, non-violent girl, and now I get another Puck. It's not fair, Quinn got a girl." Tina said with scorn.

"You're saying that like having another me will be a bad thing instead of saying it like the truly epic thing that it is T. Besides, it's not like I can control it." Puck said, smiling at the thought of having another boy to mold in his own image.

"You did something , when you got your vasectomy reversed you probably paid the doctor to give you an operation that only allows you to produce boys, you can be very crafty when you want to be Noah."

"If I'm so crafty then how come I can never do anything to please you?"

"You know the answer to that. You know what I want from you except most of the time you do the opposite on purpose!"

Puck was silent for a moment.

"What was the name of the huge robot in the Transformers sequel? Man this is going to bug me all day."

Tina gawked at him but did not say anything. She decided to go to her internal happy place for the rest of the ride home (Her mother warned her that husband's have a genetic defect that make them dumb and unreliable so a wife needs to find an internal happy place in her mind or a hot pool boy to sleep with…her mom is weird…Puck better not have slept with her mom in high school!). Her happy place was that worm summer day when Noah proposed to her. It was corny as all hell and she was 3 months pregnant so even though they pretty much had to get hitched, his proposal itself didn't seem forced at all. It was like he really wanted to be with her and start a family with her. She knows she complains a lot, but that's only because she knows she has to be the responsible one. It's not fair, Puck and David get to live like they're in the movie _Animal House _and she's just a mean old lady that yells and picks up their crap for them. She looks over at Puck (who is listing all the transformers he can think of on his fingers) and wants to tell him to be a more responsible parent. But David loves him the way he is and they have a great relationship so why mess with it? At least Puck is always there for them, it seems like all the other couples on their block are divorcing, but Puck is always there and rarely complaints about her (to her face). She does love him, she loves David and without a doubt she will love their second son, she just wishes she could have a girl to talk to about girlie stuff.

"You know T, if you really want a daughter…we could always adopt." Puck said cautiously.

Tina pondered his proposal for a minute.

"You think we can afford that?" Tina questioned.

"We can always shake down your parents again." Puck grinned.

"No! We are not doing that. We are adults and we are on our own and we are not begging my parents for money." Tina said infuriated.

"Who said anything about begging? We gave them two male grandchildren; I'm surprised they don't have a holiday named after me…the Great Pucksgiving. T, I just got the best idea for a new holiday!"

"No Noah, no new holidays and no asking my parents for money. We are already driving in the car they paid for back to our house which they paid for."

"But they love you T, and they adore David, no one's getting hurt here."

"Ugh! We are not getting a third child so you can scam my parents, I am done talking about this. What take-out do you want?" Tina said as she opened the glove compartment of their car to find packets from international adoption agencies. "Puck….what is all this?"

"You weren't supposed to see that." Puck took a deep breath.

"I know you wanted a girl really badly so I did a little research on adoption just in case we couldn't get one naturally this time. We can adopt from any place in the world or right here in the US if you want. It's going to be tricky getting an Asian girl since the Gays kind of called dibs on all of them already, but there are plenty of other kids that need homes.

Tina was shocked speechless again, but this time it was in a good way.

"Noah…you are the sweetest man alive." Tina was barely able to get the words out, she was just so moved. Puck was actually attempting to do a selfless act!

"Devastator!" Puck shouted.

"Huh?" Tina questioned.

"The name of the giant robot from Transformers 2; it was Devastator."

"Do you have multiple personalities or something?" Tina questioned.

"I don't think so, or maybe I do. Maybe I have a ton of them but my personalities don't know each other. It's like an awkward middle school dance where everyone is silent and having a terrible time." Puck said chuckling.

"You're an idiot. All of you are idiots." Tina said; she couldn't help but chuckle too.


	4. Chapter 4

After months of waiting and meetings and paperwork, Puck and Tina were finally able to take their new baby girl home. With blonde hair and blue eyes, she was going to stick out like a sore thumb in their Jewish-Asian family, but the couple fell in love with her as soon as they saw her and there was just no turning back.

"Her name is Alannah, isn't she pretty?" Tina said as she vid-chated with all of her former Glee club teammates.

Everyone agreed that she was just perfect and even Santana admitted that she wanted to steal the baby for herself.

Tina's parents feel in love with her as well, but Puck's mom considered it another one of her son's many betrayals (first he didn't marry a Jewish girl, and then he adopted a German infant). Puck kept telling her that there was no way the tiny girl could be Nazi spy but the old woman still didn't trust the newest Puckerman. "She's going to be trouble" his mother said. Tina and Puck thought she was just slowly slipping into dementia, but the old woman may have been on to something. After a few days of living relatively drama free, Alannah went into a gargantuan crying fit that seemed to last all day, every day, for about two weeks.

"Tina, she won't stop crying, how do I make her stop?" Puck whined as Tina was sewing together Evan's (their second son) Godzilla costume for his class party.

"Ugh, I don't know, plop her in front of the TV or something" Tina knew in her heart that this was not very good parenting, but she promised Evan she would finish his costume. And when Tina focuses on something, it consumes her and puts her in a trance-like state. Come hell or high water she was going to finish that costume.

"She hates everything, there is not one cartoon, toy, or movie she likes" Puck held the screaming girl at arm's reach like he was holding an alien, but it was probably just to protect his own eardrums.

"What's going on?" David said as he entered the living room with Evan trailing behind.

"Nothing sweety, your sister is just having a fit." Tina said.

"That's all she does." Evan pouted.

Puck felt like he was about to snap and handed David the crying girl. "Here, you two do something with her. Bond with her or something, daddy has to take a soothing quiet drive." With that, Puck was out the door like a bat out of hell.

Tina was so caught up in her sewing (that stupid tail, next time Evan was going as a ghost, and why would his class have a random costume party? It wasn't October.) That it wasn't until forty-five minutes later that she realized the house was dead quiet. No kids screaming, no Puck half-cursing at the TV, what happened to everyone?

Then she started remembering, Puck left Alannah with the boys. He left their fragile new baby girl in the care of the Sons of Puckerman.

She scrambled around the house looking for them, "Evan!" "David!" she called. Tina knew her boys weren't bad, but they definitely pushed the limits of what was good. For instance, the boys are obsessed with Drago from Rocky IV. They kept trying to pummel each other in bad Russian accents. After Tina punished them, they started beating up kids at school in bad Russian accents. At first she thought this was Puck's doing in attempts to turn her sons into little macho sociopaths but he swears that the boys found the movie on their own.

"Yeah Kill him! Kill him!" Tina heard coming from David's room.

She rushed to the door and flung it open to find her three children playing on David's bed.

"Mom, Alannah's Drago and Evan is Apollo Creed!" David cheered. Evan was using his little sister's hands to punch himself in the face as he made fake sounds of pain. Alannah looked like she was having the time of her young life.

"What's going on up her?" Puck said as he stepped behind Tina.

"Holy mother- you scared me, where have you been?, how could you leave the kids unsupervised?" Tina yelled.

"They weren't unsupervised; you were here the whole time." Puck smirked

Tina slapped him on the chest.

"I was busy sewing a costume for your child; I wasn't out for a beer."

"How can you tell?" Puck responded; he wasn't denying anything, he was just curious as to how he got caught this time.

"The mouth-wash was a nice try but you smell like cigarettes and you got a little of it on your shirt."

Puck sunk his head in defeat; he would have to start packing an extra shirt in his car.

"Hate to spoil the fun boys but it's Alannah's bed time." As soon as Tina tried to pull the little girl away, she let out a deafening scream that caused all the boys to shield their ears.

"OK! Geez, go back to your brothers." Tina sighed

"What now?" Puck asked.

"You already gave her a bath, and it's a Friday night, I say let em be."

"Wow T, look at you cutting loose." Puck said, and he wasn't being sarcastic, when David was a baby she nearly had a schedule for the boy's on a pooping cycle.

"I got three kids now; I don't have the energy to be uptight anymore." She looks down at her watch. "And I just spent 4 hours making a costume that Evan will probably only wear once." Tina sighed.

"He's gonna love it though, and look at it this way," Puck said. "Alannah could wear it later."

"My daughter will not dress up like a dragon" Tina proclaimed

"This coming from Goth girl?" Puck looked puzzled.

"I was a feminine goth though. Look at her, punching away. I hope she still likes girly stuff" Tina pouted.

"OK she doesn't have to wear it, but one day we'll look at it and get nostalgic over how small they used to be, because they won't be this age forever. " Puck said as he pulled his wife closer to him.

Tina looked at her three babies and got kind of sad, she loves her kids just the way they are, even with all the headaches they give her. She knows that she worries about the future too much, but even when her kids are pretend killing each other, they're still so innocent. Growing up brings pain, problems, disappointment, and she wants to shield her kids from that even though she knows they have to grow up eventually.

"They're going to leave us one day" Tina said.

"I know, maybe then I can get laid again" Puck said.

Tina shoved him off and closed David's door "We were having a moment you pig!"

"Good lord, why didn't I stay at the bar?" Puck groaned as he headed for their beadroom.

"Because you thought coming back early would save you an ass kicking." Tina smirked.

"Forget the Puckerman genes; Alannah gets her rage from her mother."


End file.
